The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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