someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We smell like vodka and hangover
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
