The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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