I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
