I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i need some magic done to my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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