I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
