woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
