The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
