you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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