it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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