Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
