Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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