I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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