One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
