she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
