Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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