My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
