My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
