I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
