you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
