Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
