I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
