Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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