i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Success! We fucked roommates!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
