Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
