the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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