I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
