i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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