Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
