I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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