I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You can't special order awesome
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
