i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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