im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
