Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
