the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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