the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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