Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
