Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
