Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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