We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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