anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
