Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
