why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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