It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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