My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
