I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
