hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
