Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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