why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
