Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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