Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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