Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
