Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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