guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
