I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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