my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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