bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
