Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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